Thoughts I Had About Food Today

#food #eatingdisorders #health

  1. I love food. I love creamy mac & cheese, crisp gala apples, bittersweet chocolate (especially with almonds, hazelnuts, or sea salt), chewy bagels with slippery, salty lox and cream cheese, gooey freshly-baked cookies with molten chocolate chips, bottomless bowls of ramen, sticky rice with seaweed paper, juicy Thanksgiving turkey, sweet berries. I love a lot of it.
  2. I hate planning my fucking day around food. When can I have it. Can I get enough of it. How much it’ll cost. Will it be messy and if so how will I clean it up. When I’ll have time for dishes. Where and when and how I can buy groceries. What I’ll do if I suddenly get hungry unexpectedly and I have no more food, especially while I’m stuck on a long subway ride. Will I be able to fit all of the food that I need into my bag.
  3. Because if I don’t eat almost immediately upon first feeling hunger, I will experience one of two effects for hours thereafter: stabbing stomach cramps, or a full-body weakness that makes me feel paralyzed with fatigue.
  4. If I eat too much, I will feel bloated and full and will be battling sleep for the rest of the day no matter how much sleep I’ve been getting.
  5. “Too much” = anything more than what’s just enough to stop feeling hungry. But if I only eat enough to stop feeling hungry, I’ll be hungry again an hour later. Who the fuck has the kind of schedule when they can eat every fucking hour?
  6. Does everyone feel this way?
  7. Clearly, there are a lot of ways to fail at/hate/have difficulty with food even after you’ve recovered from your eating disorder.
  8. I never felt so good as I did when I was restricting. An apple here, a few almonds here, about 800 calories a day. No hunger. No bloating. No cramps. No sleepiness. No guilt. No worrying.
  9. Yet I’m told that this is Very Bad to do.
  10. I am told that I need to Eat Regularly At The Same Time Each Day. Well, some days I feel so full at 10 AM despite not having eaten since last night that the mere idea of eating makes me want to vomit. Other days I’m so hungry at 10 AM that I can’t move. You try Eating Regularly then.
  11. Does everyone feel this way?
  12. If everyone does feel this way, then I feel totally ridiculous for making such a big deal out of it and being so miserable about it.
  13. If everyone does not feel this way, then what the fuck is wrong with me?
  14. I’m hungry. I’m getting hungrier. I won’t be able to eat in time. The entire evening will be lost to lying on my stomach to dull the cramps. Homework, cooking, cleaning, reading, writing–even harder than they usually are. Panic.
  15. How much have I spent on snacks from Duane Reade this month?
  16. They said there would be lunch provided at this work training but there isn’t. So I can’t have lunch until after the training, in two hours. The growling of my stupid stomach makes it hard to pay attention to the training.
  17. I’m on the subway and I feel the fatigue coming on. All I have is a bag of Cheerios. I’ve been holding on to the subway poles. I forgot my hand sanitizer in the other bag. Is it worth it? Hunger, or risking getting sick again?
  18. I can’t believe I’m an emotionally and financially independent adult who somehow can’t manage to fucking feed themselves properly.
  19. Feeding myself properly seems like it would require nearly-infinite amounts of time, money, or both.
  20. Does everyone feel this way?
  21. I can almost still remember a time when food was easy.


(I do not want advice.)


4 thoughts on “Thoughts I Had About Food Today

  1. This isn’t advice, and I haven’t had to deal with an eating disorder in my life, but I have a very high metabolism and yours sounds like a slightly more severe version of mine. I have to eat like 6 times a day if I move around a lot. Although I don’t get sleepy if I eat too much, I feel nauseous instead. Usually all day. If I don’t eat soon enough (meaning within 30 minutes) of being hungry, I feel sick and get headaches that last most of the day. I’m unfortunate in that my autism adds a layer of complication to my eating because it makes a lot of textures a problem. For example, I hate nuts. I mean I loathe them. So that gets rid of most food I can easily take with me that’s filling and won’t expire quickly, it seems.

    I just thought sharing might help. I’ve noticed a lot of people don’t seem to have this problem, but maybe it’s because their bodies adjusted to eating only like 2 or 3 times a day? I don’t know. I need eat way too often. It’s a problem, especially when I only like certain foods but get so sick of the certain foods I like that they make me feel sick sometimes.

    I think it might be a high-metabolism thing. I dunno, I’m not an expert in any way, but I thought it might help just to tell you that a lot of what you mentioned sounds like what I deal with a lot, too. The most frustrating part for me is how everyone’s gotta comment on how difficult I make eating for them when they have to eat with me, or how focused I seem to be on food. Like, I’m sorry I’ve inconvenienced you all with the way my body wants to operate, let me just ignore the fact that I need food. Sigh. I hope you’re able to find solutions that help more.


      • I’ve just been sustaining myself on a lot of soup and bagels, mostly. (Bagels with cream cheese and lox. Surprisingly filling. Lasts a whole day when wrapped with plastic and put in a tupperware.)

        I just wish I could actually, y’know, eat every 2-4 hours like I’d like to instead of having to deal with feeling like shit every day. Sigh. Good luck to you too.


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